During this past week, I had a lot of time to think, rest, and pray while on retreat. These are the hallmarks of a traditional retreat. Most of the five days are cloaked in silence; the only time I spoke was at Mass and my daily one-hour meeting with a spiritual director. The rest of the day was meant for listening and unplugging from the rest of the world. This amount of silence isn’t easy but it certainly prepares the heart to hear what God whispers. Going in Sunday night, I really didn’t know what I would focus on, what scriptures to pray with, or what God might say.
As he often does, God surprised me with an insight right off the bat on Monday morning. In my meeting with my director, he suggested St. Paul, specifically Romans 8:15. In this passage, the Lord reminded me that I am one of his sons, not his slave. Furthermore, he made it clear to me how often I operate out of fear. Honestly, this surprised me; I don’t think of myself as a fearful person. I try to be decisive and rational and steadfast. Instead of getting defensive, I let God explain what he meant. Here are a few things he pointed out: He showed me that I am afraid of failure, of messing up and letting people down. He pointed to the ways that I dread losing control and not having the answers. He kindly illuminated some of the good things that are going on in my life and in my ministry and then helped me understand that they are often driven by some sort of fear rather than love and trust.
God never points out a problem without offering a solution. The remedy to fear…. is love. Not some sort of cheap, mushy, Hallmark or Lifetime channel sort of stuff! Real, profound, everlasting love that we see displayed on the crucifix. The love our Heavenly Father has for each and every one of us as his children. A love that is freely, completely given before anything is accomplished and after any mistake we might make. To follow God is to be a son or daughter of his. To be his child is to be loved unconditionally. And to be loved unconditionally is to be truly free. I never would have expected this insight for my retreat but it uncovered other areas for the Lord to heal and restore.
Connect this idea of fear and love to the man in today’s gospel. He has been blind since his youth. This blindness would have been considered a consequence of some sin that he or his parents committed. Not a fair judgment, but that was the way these things were viewed back then. This blind man was looked down on, and he would have made his living by begging for food and money. Certainly people would have avoided him if possible and seen him as a nuisance.
Perhaps these hardships prepared him for this great moment when Jesus was walking by. He starts screaming like a lunatic, “Jesus, son of David, have pity on me!” People tell him to be quiet, leave Jesus alone, but he keeps yelling, “Jesus, son of David, have pity on me.” Jesus calls him over and Bartimaeus immediately makes his way to the Lord. He doesn’t hesitate at all. When Jesus asks him, “what do you want me to do for you?”, he quickly answers that he wants to see. Because of his faith, Bartimaeus receives his sight and what does he do with this new and awesome gift? He follows Jesus!
How differently the story would have been if Bartimaeus was governed by fear! If he worried about what people would think as he yelled out Jesus’ name. Or afraid of making somebody angry as they told him to stop. What if he gave into the fear that Jesus was too busy to help him or that he didn’t deserve to be healed. These and a thousand other fears would have stopped Bartimaeus and kept him blind if he had given them power. Instead, he destroyed fear and blindness with faith and love of God.
Each and every one of us has fears that influence the way we live our lives. Some we know, others have become so ingrained we think they are just part of life or who we are. Wherever fear motivates us, it leaves us blind, unable to see God’s loving plan. Many times it is fear that makes excuses as to why Jesus can’t help us or doesn’t want to. Fear keeps us from calling out like Bartimaeus, “Jesus, son of David, have pity on me!”
Maybe it seems like I am being a little dramatic or stretching this gospel story where it doesn’t apply. Before you come to that conclusion, I invite you to reflect on the following:
What fears am I aware of in my life? How do they control me? Am I consistently acting out of some sort of fear or dread? Like what do people think? Or, will this disappoint someone’s image or expectation of me? Am I afraid that I could do something God wouldn’t forgive? Am I afraid he doesn’t even care about me? Are there things I am ashamed to show the Lord? Does a fear of messing up, looking foolish, or not having control keep me from starting or finishing something that, deep down, I know is good for me. In regards to my relationships, my work, my personal development, and most importantly, my prayer, am I driven or paralyzed by fear?
Don’t give fear that sort of power over your life! Call out today and every day to the Lord who loves you unconditionally, even before you were born. Don’t hide anything from him but invite him into every nook and cranny of your life, even those things which seem broken and messed up beyond repair. Ignore that voice whispering why you should be quiet, settle for less, and live with it. Be like Bartimaeus and say, “Jesus, son of David, have pity on me!”
